1) Recognize that you have needs and realize their
importance.
You deserve to be loved and respected for your authentic
self. No one can ever love and respect your authentic self if you’re not
displaying who you are to the world. Explore what makes you who you are
and what you stand for. If you have difficulty doing this, spend time
with people who are positive and see the good in you and their
surroundings. Journaling and making a list of your unique attributes and
what you feel you contribute to the world is also a good start. Reflect
on what you need out of your relationships and life to make you feel full and
whole. Honoring your time, values, and core beliefs is an essential first
step in building a new,healthy well-being.
2) Map out your limits.
Take some time and consider what is unsettling in your current
relationships. Exploring these feelings helps us to draw the line and
understand our limits. Map out what needs to change, whether it be a
physical, emotional, or mental boundary. Once you know your limits, you’ll
be able to make productive changes.
3) Be direct.
I find with most people, you will not need to have a big,
conflict-ridden conversation if you wish to set limits and build a new
boundary. You just do it. YOU ultimately decide where to invest your
time and who gets your attention and energy. YOU decide to answer the
phone, answer the door, RSVP to an event, or respond to an e-mail. Distance and
keeping interaction simple may give you the space that you need to refocus the
relationship in question. Other times, you will need to be direct and
respond head-on. Research simple, positive phrases that will shut down
gossipers or controlling, inquisitive friends or family. Sometimes the
answer may be to not respond, or to respond but in a different fashion than
they are used to, in order to shut them down and shift their direction.
Do not apologize for the boundary that you are setting. It’s going to
feel uncomfortable and you’ll likely get some push back from the violator, but
stick to your guns. Repeat yourself firmly, calmly, and respectfully,
using as few words as possible.
4) Examine your sphere of influence.
You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your
boundaries. You are responsible for you and your responses. Do not
allow people to pass ownership of their issues. Keep your behavior in
line with the boundary that you are setting. Be firm, simple, respectful,
and calm. And remind yourself that you’re in charge of what you allow or
stop when it comes to your daily life.
5) Get Support and celebrate small progressions.
Setting healthy boundaries takes time and practice. Remember that
it is a process and you may not be perfect at enforcing limits right
away. It’s important to start small and focus on more non-threatening
boundaries initially, until you gain more self-confidence. Seek the
support of positive friends and mentors or even a counselor. You will
find when you talk your situation through with a trusted individual, insights
and struggles can be shared and it will likely empower you to continue down the
road of self-respect.
6) Prioritize taking care of yourself.
Our boundaries are often violated because we’ve repeatedly put our
own needs on the back burner. Whether we’ve allowed this to continue due
to fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, guilt, etc… there comes a point
where self-care becomes essential in order to be all that we can be in the
multitude of relationships and roles that we take on during our lifespan.
When we are fulfilled and emotionally healthy, we are a better parent, spouse,
employee, friend, and human-being overall.
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