The Comparison Anxiety Epidemic

One of the easiest ways to feel bad about oneself is to compare yourself unfavorably to others.  We may be tempted to compare ourselves with those who have more accomplishments, seem more attractive, make more money, live in fancier and more organized homes, have more fun, or have more success in relationships and romance.  Habitual negative social comparisons can cause a person to experience greater stress, anxiety, depression, and make self-defeating choices.  It’s such a common epidemic in our current culture that comparison anxiety has been renamed the new OCD in some studies:  Obsessive Comparison Disorder. 

Obsessive Comparison Disorder can become an addiction and can feel uncontrollable.  With the beautiful invention of Facebook, we have the opportunity to compare ourselves to everyone, every single day, 24/7.  We look at our friends’ “My Life is Awesome” photos and in turn feel depressed because our life looks nothing like “it’s supposed to”.  We can wake up one day and feel unwavering determination and it can very quickly spiral into paralyzing uncertainty simply by looking at the people around us who seem so sure of themselves.  We know that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others.  But, that’s easier said than done.  Comparison is generally the fast track to unhappiness.  It’s a recipe for misery.  All it does is keep you focused on what you don’t like about yourself and your life. 

So, what do we do when we realize that we have fully succumbed to the “compare and despair” epidemic?   Here are 13 ways to help cure ourselves of our society’s new OCD paradigm. 

1)  Put on your blinders.  Ever notice that most horses who are in heavily populated areas have blinders on?  They are on to help the horse from being distracted by sights and sounds of the peripheral.  Blinders force them to focus on what’s exactly in front of them.  The more we (or the horse) focus on someone else, and not our own path, the more we lose control. 

Question to consider:  What set of blinders can you put on that will help you look straight ahead? 

2)  Water your own grass.  When we focus on other people, we lose time that we could otherwise invest in ourselves.  We don’t grow green grass by fixating on our neighbor’s garden, we do it by nurturing our own. 

Question to consider:  What can you do today to water your own grass and turn away from your neighbor’s?

3)  Do a social media detox.  Social media can be a great source of inspiration.  But if it triggers inadequacy, self-doubt, and frustration, then choose to do a detox.  Make sure YOU control social media and not the other way around. 

Question to consider:  Map out some new social media limits that you can apply immediately.  Then…. Hit the GO button.  You’ve got this. 

4) Admit your insecurities.  If you state openly that you are vulnerable in an area, then your own tendency to dislike that trait in yourself will diminish.  It is the path to decreasing comparison with others and accepting yourself. 

Question to consider:  What can you admit, out loud, to someone that you trust? 

5)  Realize that you may not have a clue how others see you.  We think folks know our insecurities.  Probably not.  Folks are, as a whole, too self-conscious to analyze you.  They are thinking about themselves.  They are likely to project onto you thinks you would never imagine. 

6)  We are all on a spectrum.  There is someone, today, that is looking at you.  Seeing things in you that are worthy.  You may never be aware of it.  You might want to adopt traits or habits you see in others.  Yet you are being admired as well.  Think about looking at people from a more balanced perspective, realizing that there is more than meets the eye.  We are all human beings with our own share of challenges.  Just like you. 

7)  Celebrate what you do.  Someone is always going to have bigger boobs, bonuses, boats, and more boyfriends.  We need to celebrate on the ship we are sailing, instead of drowning as we attempt to swim to someone else’s. 

Post this somewhere.  Embroider it on a pillow.  Spray paint it on your fence.  Do what you have to do continually remind yourself of this. 

8)  Love your past.  Your life might have been messy and bumpy.  It might have been colored by mistakes, anxiety, and fear.  I know mine has.  But all those things were catalysts to help you become a better, wiser, and more courageous version of yourself.  So, embrace your story and how much you’ve grown from it.  Be proud of what you’ve done and for wanting to create a better life for yourself. 

9)  Know that this isn’t the end of the movie.  If you’re not happy with where you are today, remember that this is just a snapshot of your life.  Where you are today doesn’t say anything about where you’ll be in one or three years from now.  What matters isn’t where you are.  What matters is your mindset, attitude, and where you’re going. 

10)   Be Grateful.  I know, I know.  Insert a big, fat eyeroll.  Bear with me.  Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”

Whenever you find yourself looking at what other people have, remind yourself of what you’re grateful for. 

Assignment:  Get out a piece of paper and spend 10 minutes outlining a gratitude list. Keep it in your purse or post it somewhere where you will see it frequently.  

Shifting the focus from what you don’t have, to what you DO have, will make all the difference.

11)  Be your own ally.  That negative voice inside our heads can tell you all kinds of bullshit.  Instead of joining in when that mean voice of comparison pops up, choose to be on your side.  Give yourself GRACE.  Be soothing and comforting.  If you wouldn’t say it to a friend don’t say it to yourself. 

Assignment:  Prepare a pep talk to yourself to use when you next need it. 

12)  Stop “shoulding” yourself.  Comparison leads to us “shoulding” all over ourselves.  We say things like:  I SHOULD have this by now, or I SHOULD have come further.  But statements like that just keep us focused on what we’re lacking.  Instead of using SHOULD when expressing commitments use WANT and notice how your inner dialogue shifts. 

13)   Compare yourself to YOU.  If you need to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself to you.  Ask yourself:  What can you do to improve your life quality?  How can you be a better and more loving person?  How can you be nicer to yourself than you were yesterday? 

It’s time to take back what belongs to you.  Comparing ourselves to others often leaves us feeling frustrated, anxious, and paralyzed about moving forward.  It doesn’t help one bit in creating the life we want.  Instead, it just takes away valuable time and energy that could have been spent on building our future.  Whenever you focus on what other people have that you don’t, you give away your power.  Every minute spent on comparing your path to someone else’s is a minute lost on creating your own. 

So, take back your power from all the people, places, and situations where you’ve left it and bring it back home.  Decide that your energy will be used for believing, not doubting, and for creating, not destroying. 

Focus on you.  Focusing on watering your grass and building your path.  Focus on being the best that you can be and share that with the rest of us. 

Video Blog #4- Fresh Starts

Video Blog #3: Supporting Other Women

Video Blog #2- How to Deal with Toxic Takers

How to Establish Appropriate Boundaries with Toxic People

 Navigating the toxic people and relationships in our lives can be one of life's biggest challenges.  This is especially difficult when these relationships are with family members or people within our own household.  Boundaries are an essential ingredient to all healthy relationships.  The following list outlines how to establish boundaries with the "cancerous" people who infect our lives.  

1)  Recognize that you have needs and realize their importance.  

You deserve to be loved and respected for your authentic self.  No one can ever love and respect your authentic self if you’re not displaying who you are to the world.  Explore what makes you who you are and what you stand for.  If you have difficulty doing this, spend time with people who are positive and see the good in you and their surroundings.  Journaling and making a list of your unique attributes and what you feel you contribute to the world is also a good start.  Reflect on what you need out of your relationships and life to make you feel full and whole.  Honoring your time, values, and core beliefs is an essential first step in building a new,healthy well-being. 

2)  Map out your limits.

Take some time and consider what is unsettling in your current relationships.  Exploring these feelings helps us to draw the line and understand our limits.  Map out what needs to change, whether it be a physical, emotional, or mental boundary.  Once you know your limits, you’ll be able to make productive changes.

3)  Be direct.

I find with most people, you will not need to have a big, conflict-ridden conversation if you wish to set limits and build a new boundary.  You just do it.  YOU ultimately decide where to invest your time and who gets your attention and energy.  YOU decide to answer the phone, answer the door, RSVP to an event, or respond to an e-mail. Distance and keeping interaction simple may give you the space that you need to refocus the relationship in question.  Other times, you will need to be direct and respond head-on.  Research simple, positive phrases that will shut down gossipers or controlling, inquisitive friends or family.  Sometimes the answer may be to not respond, or to respond but in a different fashion than they are used to, in order to shut them down and shift their direction.  Do not apologize for the boundary that you are setting.  It’s going to feel uncomfortable and you’ll likely get some push back from the violator, but stick to your guns.  Repeat yourself firmly, calmly, and respectfully, using as few words as possible.

4)  Examine your sphere of influence.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your boundaries.  You are responsible for you and your responses.  Do not allow people to pass ownership of their issues.  Keep your behavior in line with the boundary that you are setting.  Be firm, simple, respectful, and calm.  And remind yourself that you’re in charge of what you allow or stop when it comes to your daily life.

5)   Get Support and celebrate small progressions.

Setting healthy boundaries takes time and practice. Remember that it is a process and you may not be perfect at enforcing limits right away.  It’s important to start small and focus on more non-threatening boundaries initially, until you gain more self-confidence.  Seek the support of positive friends and mentors or even a counselor.  You will find when you talk your situation through with a trusted individual, insights and struggles can be shared and it will likely empower you to continue down the road of self-respect. 

6)  Prioritize taking care of yourself.

Our boundaries are often violated because we’ve repeatedly put our own needs on the back burner.  Whether we’ve allowed this to continue due to fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, guilt, etc… there comes a point where self-care becomes essential in order to be all that we can be in the multitude of relationships and roles that we take on during our lifespan.  When we are fulfilled and emotionally healthy, we are a better parent, spouse, employee, friend, and human-being overall.  

Video Blog: How to Set Priorities To Live A Life That You Love

Let’s do this!  Video Blog #1.  This vlog accompanied my written blog posted earlier this week on Investing In You.  It gives you a practical guide on where and how to start shifting your time away from busy, urgent matters and toward your priorities and what you deem as most important.  Join me in making 2018 a meaningful and purposeful year.

Investing In YOU: Inspiration for 2018

We are busy.  We are the busiest lot of people that history has ever known.  We are also well-intentioned.  We DECIDE all the time to make changes, and we’re serious about making them. How many times have you said out-loud: “Starting Monday, I’m going back to the gym,” or “Starting tomorrow, I’m cutting out carbs and sugar.” And we mean what we say.  In the end, our plans don’t work out so well.  We let what we determine as urgent overtake what is truly important.  Busyness takes over.  Countless things demand our attention, NOW: 

• ·         Your phone buzzed- a text just came in
• ·         You get a notification that you’re tagged in a photo and a beep goes off
• ·         A new deadline at work creeps up
• ·         You realize that you forgot to prepare lunch for your children or put dinner in the crockpot
• ·         An e-mail arrives, informing you that an unexpected bill needs to be paid ASAP

This stuff is urgent, and it must be done today.  It can’t be postponed or at least it feels like it.  Urgent stuff multiplies like rabbits.  When you kick one item off the list, two more show up. 

THE RESULT:  You clear out the important stuff to make room for the urgent.  However, you didn’t do it consciously.  It just…happened.  You let the urgent take control of your life and time.  When this happens, life becomes an urgent juggling match.  What ends up happening?  You gain weight.  Time whizzes by, making you feel like you’re in a whirlwind, and you feel disconnected from those you love.  Your kids are growing up and you feel like you’re missing something.  You never feel present and you’re always struggling to check tasks off your list.  Ideas are “dumbed down” and you trade busyness for effectiveness.  Life feels cluttered and you feel drained.  You arrive at the end of your day feeling like you have nothing to give, and in turn you want wine or food to numb the racing thoughts.  We zone out on TV and Netflix, or we scroll aimlessly, wasting large amounts of our free time.  We feel frazzled, excessively fatigued, and we are short with our loved ones when we don’t mean to be.  You sense something is wrong or know something is wrong, but you’re not sure what it is.  We don’t set down the urgent things long enough to take stock, dive deeper, or make critical life changes.  And all of this happens while we’re trying hard. 

IT’S TIME TO SAY: STOP!  It doesn’t have to be this way.  We can clean out some of the urgent stuff and make space for the important stuff. 

Our time is irreplaceable. You can take our clothes, purses, shoes, or jewelry and at the end of the day we can get more.  You can take our cars, and we could get another one.  You can take our homes, and although it would be devastating, we’d find and secure shelter and new housing.  But OUR TIME…. When we use our time or when something takes our time, you’re taking something that I can never replace. 

We give our time to all sorts of things, that when we stop and evaluate our lives, we’d chalk them up to unimportant on the big list of our priorities.  Our busyness and internal clutter automatically shifts our priorities.  IT’S TIME TO CHANGE THAT.  It’s time to make plans to change that.  It’s time to send a powerful message to ourselves and to the world saying:  I am important enough that I’m giving ME the energy, space, and time to grow and create new results. 

Today, it’s time to be stirred to experience the gift of your time in a brand-new way.  Every moment is a gift.  Every second is a gift.  Every thought is a gift.  Every idea is a gift.  Every opportunity is a gift.  Everyone you meet is a gift. Every day we are GIFTED with an opportunity to LIVE, and I want us to maximize our capacity for 2018.  It’s time to invest in you.

Onward….