What I've Learned About Forgiveness

Earlier in 2017, I began to develop workshop sessions as a part of a women's empowerment initiative.  Because I'm writing and researching for these monthly workshops, I have found that my blog posts have trailed off.  I'm going to change this!  Since I'm developing content for these workshops anyhow, I've decided to post various writing pieces that I've composed for workshop purposes, as all are topics that most desire to hear and absorb. 

Last month's workshop was on forgiveness.  The main question that we ask ourselves and others when talking about forgiveness is:  How do I forgive?  If you're like me, you want a clear-cut, bullet-pointed step-by-step guide on how to forgive so we can deal with it once, check off the box, and move on peacefully, thinking very little about the betrayal as we go forward.  But dammit...forgiveness doesn't happen that way.  I'll say it again--DAMMIT!  It's a process.  Yes, and sometimes a long one (insert groan).  It is a daily decision and something that we may have to think on and work through repeatedly.  There are really no short-cuts.

Here are three things that I’ve learned about the “how” of forgiveness:

First, we talk about forgiveness like it's an event, and in my experience, it's just not.  In fact, one of the only things that has helped me heal is to stop saying, "I forgive you" and start saying, "I'm forgiving you."  Forgiveness isn't an event any more than brushing your teeth is an event.  It is something you must do over and over and over again.  Eventually, it becomes a habit.  It does get easier with time.  

Second, forgiveness is like love in that it must move in two directions.  By that I mean we cannot begin to forgive others until we have learned to forgive ourselves.  If you are having a hard time forgiving someone in your life, begin practicing this phrase:  "I forgive myself for buying into the belief that..."  Say it to yourself daily.  

Examples:

I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I could have stopped what happened to me.

I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I am damaged goods

I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I deserved what happened to me.

I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I will never be happy.

Forgiving myself allows me to forgive others. Start with self-forgiveness.

Finally, and this may be the most important thing I've learned about forgiveness, is that forgiving does not mean forgetting.  We get this so wrong in our culture.  Sometimes the most forgiving thing we can do, for ourselves and for the person who has hurt us, is to say, “thank you for what you have taught me about myself and about life. I’m moving on.”

Forgiveness cannot take place without also honesty, boundaries, space, distance, time. You do not have to feel guilty about this. It is not a rejection of the other. It is a radical acceptance of yourself.   Imagine the person that has hurt you most and say the below to yourself:  

“I am forgiving you. By that I mean, I’m not going to blame you or hold you responsible for my life or my future any longer. The power to shape what is coming is mine now. I take it back for myself. I reclaim my power. And that grudge I’ve been carrying, well, it’s hurting me more than it’s hurting you, so for that reason, I’m going to set it down. I’ll see how it feels to walk around without it, a little lighter, a little freer. And I don’t have to make any promises about the future—except that I will try again tomorrow.”

This "forgiveness mantra" has proved so helpful for me in my own forgiveness journey.  Write it down, print it, keep it in your wallet or purse, memorize it, or hell, embroider it on a pillow.  The key for me has been to decide and practice forgiveness every day.  And slowly and surely the load will get lighter and lighter.