From One Alpha to Another

Just like anything in life, perception is everything.  When some people hear the phrase ‘alpha female’ they think of the most authoritative, powerful, or domineering woman they know.  Others attribute less complimentary terms such as controlling, bossy, bitchy, and difficult to the alpha female persona. Throughout my life, I have felt that as a woman, we’re expected to be strong, resilient, “take-charge”, comforting, and purposeful, which in turn causes our inner leader to grow.  We come out the other end, battling accusations of being control freaks. 

As a mother of two young daughters, I’ve embraced the role of guiding and teaching them to be the conductor of their lives, to treat others with class and respect, along with expecting the same in return.  Likewise, I’ve tried to instill confidence, ambition, motivation, and self-assurance every chance I could because all of us want our daughters to grow up to be smart, strong, independent, successful, and in control in of their own lives.  We don’t realize that a portion of the rest of the world may label these traits in a less than favorable way. 

Let’s explore the misconceptions and the realities, from my perspective, about being an alpha female.
1)  Misconception:  Alpha’s are bitches.

Reality:  People often confuse having a backbone for being a bitch.  An alpha female will risk tension because she will not put her needs aside to keep the peace.  If disrespected, she will call that person out, therefore she’s easily pegged as a villain.  The reality is she has respect for herself and her boundaries.  She has a strong sense of self and her uncontainable confidence is not easily accepted by society, who is usually taken back by her boldness and courage.

2)  Misconception:  Alpha’s are controlling.

Reality:  An alpha is a hard worker and is passionate about her ideas.  If there is a problem, she likes to solve it.  She is often the leader in a group and voices her opinions and ideas and can make fast decisions.  She is sure of herself and it comes through in her voice in the form of confidence, passion, and experience.  Her goal is to make things better. 

3)  Misconception:  Alpha’s are high-maintenance. 

Reality:  Alpha’s know their worth and focus on her own integrity.  She is not defined by romantic relationships.  She knows what she is capable of accomplishing with or without a significant other.  In other words, the alpha is fully capable of taking care of herself, buying her own flowers, and meeting her own needs.  She is very comfortable in her own skin.    

4)  Misconception:  Alpha’s are blunt and rude.

Reality:  Most alpha’s have a strong personality and know that if she’s going to tell the truth, then she better expect the truth from others too.  She knows the difference between positive criticism and negative criticism.  Also, since most alpha’s like to challenge (and even to be challenged) they often call people out on their own bullshit- which makes people get really defensive and blame the messenger. 

5)  Misconception:  Alpha’s are unaffectionate and insensitive. 

Reality:  Alpha females put forth a tough exterior, which can be misunderstood as being emotionally distant and cold.  An alpha, rather, is not afraid to be alone and exemplifies a strong sense of self and it’s hard for the outside world to understand such courageous boldness.  An alpha knows how to walk away from relationships that are harmful--not just romantic relationships but friends, work contacts, etc.  She knows the difference between compromising for a relationship and settling into a relationship because of fear, boredom, or both.  When you examine her life, you’ll usually find a strong support group surrounding her because she knows that everyone needs help, love, and connection.  On the other hand, the quiet voice in her head is always telling her that “You are enough”. 

6)   Misconception:  Alpha’s are dramatic.

Reality:  Correction:  Alpha’s seek to AVOID drama.  A true alpha female knows how to deal with her emotions and puts them into perspective.  She knows that it’s okay to be vulnerable and weak, and knows that strength comes from opening up and showing your weaknesses.  She embraces that having balance in how you live your life is one of the most important keys to a successful, fulfilling life. 

In summary, if you’re like me, and find yourself cringing when you hear another woman described as controlling or bossy, you’re in good company.  Remember:  Perception is everything and societal labels are multi-faceted.  There are times for all of us when we must evaluate our approach, soften, reconnect and learn from our mistakes.  We’ve all handled a situation or two in our lives poorly and can learn from those poor interactions.  But often, a women pegged as hyper-controlling is simply living boldly, operating in a confident, direct manner, and steering her life forward with conviction.  In my book, that’s not controlling.  That’s just living. Living well, in fact.   

If you’re an alpha-female at heart, you know from experience that being labeled as controlling or insensitive is simply a rite of passage.  My advice:  Continue to speak up, stand proudly, and walk with unwavering confidence.  Evaluate your approach, refine, and own your shortcomings, as needed.  Go after the life you want, despite the negative perceptions, and lead and raise other alphas to do the same.  Only you know how to live out the best version of yourself, and you have a responsibility to give the world and your loved ones just that.  So…Go forth and “BOSS your life” my loves.  The haters will find something new to hate.