Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries

Boundary:  A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.  A healthy boundary defines where you end and others begin.  It's also knowing and understanding what your limits are.  Healthy boundaries are essential for a healthy life and productive, high-functioning relationships. Unfortunately, we do not arrive on this earth hard-wired on what healthy boundaries look and feel like.  Life experiences, maturity, and usually exposure to difficult people and relationships, lead us to a place where establishing and enforcing boundaries becomes imperative to our overall self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence.  Below, you will find a list of what characterizes unhealthy boundaries, and also a list on how to build and maintain appropriate boundaries. 

What do Unhealthy Boundaries Look Like?

·         Taking responsibility for the happiness of others.
·         “Telling all” too soon in a relationship, and acting impulsively without knowing much about a person, or adversely, closing oneself off or remaining excessively guarded when meeting people.
·         Inability to say “no” in order to gain acceptance and avoid abandonment or rejection.
·        Clingy and needy in relationships in order to try to meet their deep emotional needs, often times while in a relationship that will never prove sufficient.
·         Loyalties shift depending on who is present and who they want acceptance from in the heat of the moment.  
·         Self-esteem is often attached to what others think about them or how others treat them, therefore displaying a weak sense of identity and worthiness. 
·         Indecisive; they allow others to make decisions, claiming that they are indifferent, leading to a sense of powerlessness. 

How to Establish Appropriate Boundaries

1)  Recognize that you have needs and realize their importance.  

You deserve to be loved and respected for your authentic self.  No one can ever love and respect your authentic self if you’re not displaying who you are to the world.  Explore what makes you who you are and what you stand for.  If you have difficulty doing this, spend time with people who are positive and see the good in you and their surroundings.  Journaling and making a list of your unique attributes and what you feel you contribute to the world is also a good start.  Reflect on what you need out of your relationships and life to make you feel full and whole.  Honoring your time, values, and core beliefs is an essential first step in building a new,healthy well-being. 

2)  Map out your limits.

Take some time and consider what is unsettling in your current relationships.  Exploring these feelings helps us to draw the line and understand our limits.  Map out what needs to change, whether it be a physical, emotional, or mental boundary.  Once you know your limits, you’ll be able to make productive changes.

3)  Be direct.

I find with most people, you will not need to have a big, conflict-ridden conversation if you wish to set limits and build a new boundary.  You just do it.  YOU ultimately decide where to invest your time and who gets your attention and energy.  YOU decide to answer the phone, answer the door, RSVP to an event, or respond to an e-mail. Distance and keeping interaction simple may give you the space that you need to refocus the relationship in question.  Other times, you will need to be direct and respond head-on.  Research simple, positive phrases that will shut down gossipers or controlling, inquisitive friends or family.  Sometimes the answer may be to not respond, or to respond but in a different fashion than they are used to, in order to shut them down and shift their direction.  Do not apologize for the boundary that you are setting.  It’s going to feel uncomfortable and you’ll likely get some push back from the violator, but stick to your guns.  Repeat yourself firmly, calmly, and respectfully, using as few words as possible.

4)  Examine your sphere of influence.

You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your boundaries.  You are responsible for you and your responses.  Do not allow people to pass ownership of their issues.  Keep your behavior in line with the boundary that you are setting.  Be firm, simple, respectful, and calm.  And remind yourself that you’re in charge of what you allow or stop when it comes to your daily life.

5)   Get Support and celebrate small progressions.

Setting healthy boundaries takes time and practice. Remember that it is a process and you may not be perfect at enforcing limits right away.  It’s important to start small and focus on more non-threatening boundaries initially, until you gain more self confidence.  Seek the support of positive friends and mentors or even a counselor.  You will find when you talk your situation through with a trusted individual, insights and struggles can be shared and it will likely empower you to continue down the road of self-respect. 

6)  Prioritize taking care of yourself.

Our boundaries are often violated because we’ve repeatedly put our own needs on the back burner.  Whether we’ve allowed this to continue due to fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, guilt, etc… there comes a point where self-care becomes essential in order to be all that we can be in the multitude of relationships and roles that we take on during our lifespan.  When we are fulfilled and emotionally healthy, we are a better parent, spouse, employee, friend, and human-being overall.  

I sincerely hope that these tips help you in your journey toward self-care and healthy relationships.  Listen to your instincts and if something doesn't feel right, examine where those feelings are coming from and make a plan of action.  Awareness is the first step toward understanding your limits and what boundaries are necessary in your present life.  You will get better setting boundaries with practice and time.  Consider it an investment in yourself that you'll never regret.