Eight Healthy Strategies in Dealing with Toxic People

In my previous blog, I went over how to detect a toxic person.  So now that you’ve identified them and they are in your imaginary crosshairs, now what?  How do you navigate working with a toxic person?  What do you do if that person is a part of your immediate family or living in your household?  What if banishing them from your life forever is not an option?   Here are some applicable strategies in dealing with toxicity in a person that can save your energy and mental health. 

1)  Turn on your solution focus skills- It’s easy to fixate on how crazy or cancerous the other person is.  We can often spend hours or days discussing the behaviors of the “toxic folk” around us, because their behaviors can be so upsetting and havoc provoking.  Remind yourself that fixating on their toxicity only gives them more power and control.  Stop thinking and talking so much about this person and how he/she affects you.  Instead, focus your attention to what you’re going to do about it and how you’re going to better yourself and your circumstances, despite the presence of this person in your life.  Reverse their control over you from the get-go. 

2)  Evaluate their role, Limit their exposure-  Toxic people are often very charismatic and skilled at discreetly bleeding their chaos into your life before you’re able to fully realize what just happened.  When they are caught red-handed, they know what to say or do to recover. They thrive on the rollercoaster of confusion that they create.  There will come a point where you’ll need to ask yourself, can I eliminate this person from my life?  If not, evaluate the role that they play.  Can their exposure be limited?  Can you change the nature of your relationship to be in the “acquaintance” category?   If this is a role that you can back away from and create notable emotional distance, act now.  You’ll thank yourself later.

3)  Thicken your skin- I’m not suggesting that you grow hard and cold, as you wouldn’t be reading this blog if you didn’t lean more toward a sensitive-type personality.  Being sensitive means that you are a deep thinker and feeler and you have a radar for picking up what’s going on around you.  It also means that you’re an easy target for toxic-type personalities.   Ideally, balance is the key. “Toughening your skin” will help you remain calm, evaluate the actions of others before reacting, and not take the cruelty of others as personally. 

4)  Create a positive circle of friends- Tap into your support system to gain perspective when you’re dealing with a difficult person.  Toxic people are everywhere and we all can learn from each other encounters.  Also, talking it out with a trusted, healthy source can often bring the clarity and insight that you’re seeking. 

5)  Stand up for yourself- Some toxic behaviors can’t be ignored and something must be said.  Direct statements such as, “You seem angry.  What’s going on?” can disarm a social bully or possibly open a door for a more in-depth conversation.   Or try the following approach when you’re one-on-one with this person:   When you ____________, I feel, ____________________, Because, __________________________________________________________________.   There is also the chance that the person may discount you totally and want to fight.  It’s been my experience that logic and reasoning are not core skills of the chronically toxic.  Should you find yourself in this situation, abruptly ending the exchange and vacating the conversion is likely your greatest plan of action.  Truly toxic people will pollute everyone around them, including you if you allow them.  Don’t hesitate to vacate their space and confidently walk away, knowing that fighting with a toxic person is a giant waste of your time. 

6)  Commit to not let ANYONE steal your joy- When your sense of contentment and life satisfaction are based on the opinions of others, you are no longer the master of your own happiness.  When an emotionally intelligent person feels good about an accomplishment or themselves, they are able to put the criticism and negative remarks of others into perspective.  Although it’s impossible to turn off our reactions completely, you can choose to stop comparing yourself with others and take criticisms with a grain of salt, knowing that your self-worth comes from within. 

7)  Rise above and set yourself apart- Quit trying to change them or outsmart them or beat them at their own game.  You won’t win.  Distance yourself emotionally.  Approach your interactions like a special project or an experiment.  Remember that it’s not necessary to respond to their drama and chaos.  You can keep your responses and interactions based on fact. 

8)  Establish boundaries-  Once you rise above a person’s behaviors, the next step is creating healthy boundaries.  This is a critical piece of the puzzle when dealing with toxic family members or co-workers.  Many people put up with constant negativity because they feel helpless and feel as if they have no control to change their surroundings.  Maybe the person you’re dealing with will never change, as you cannot control the personal growth of another.  You can, however, change the way they treat you and your interactions with them.  Start paying attention and you’ll notice that you can predict and understand their triggers, in turn allowing you to consciously and proactively set boundaries.   

And now you may be wondering, what do healthy boundaries look like with problematic people and how do I go about setting them?  My next blog will be on boundaries and how to build and preserve them.