In my previous blog, I went over how to detect a toxic person. So now that you’ve identified them and they
are in your imaginary crosshairs, now what?
How do you navigate working with a toxic person? What do you do if that person is a part of
your immediate family or living in your household? What if banishing them from your life forever
is not an option? Here are some applicable strategies in dealing
with toxicity in a person that can save your energy and mental health.
1) Turn
on your solution focus skills- It’s easy to fixate on how crazy or cancerous
the other person is. We can often spend
hours or days discussing the behaviors of the “toxic folk” around us, because their
behaviors can be so upsetting and havoc provoking. Remind yourself that fixating on their toxicity
only gives them more power and control.
Stop thinking and talking so much about this person and how he/she
affects you. Instead, focus your
attention to what you’re going to do about it and how you’re going to better
yourself and your circumstances, despite the presence of this person in your
life. Reverse their control over you
from the get-go.
2) Evaluate
their role, Limit their exposure- Toxic people
are often very charismatic and skilled at discreetly bleeding their chaos into
your life before you’re able to fully realize what just happened. When they are caught red-handed, they know
what to say or do to recover. They thrive on the rollercoaster of confusion
that they create. There will come a
point where you’ll need to ask yourself, can I eliminate this person from my
life? If not, evaluate the role that
they play. Can their exposure be
limited? Can you change the nature of
your relationship to be in the “acquaintance” category? If
this is a role that you can back away from and create notable emotional
distance, act now. You’ll thank yourself
later.
3) Thicken
your skin- I’m not suggesting that you grow hard and cold, as you wouldn’t be
reading this blog if you didn’t lean more toward a sensitive-type
personality. Being sensitive means that
you are a deep thinker and feeler and you have a radar for picking up what’s
going on around you. It also means that
you’re an easy target for toxic-type personalities. Ideally, balance is the key. “Toughening your
skin” will help you remain calm, evaluate the actions of others before
reacting, and not take the cruelty of others as personally.
4) Create
a positive circle of friends- Tap into your support system to gain perspective
when you’re dealing with a difficult person.
Toxic people are everywhere and we all can learn from each other
encounters. Also, talking it out with a
trusted, healthy source can often bring the clarity and insight that you’re
seeking.
5) Stand
up for yourself- Some toxic behaviors can’t be ignored and something must be
said. Direct statements such as, “You
seem angry. What’s going on?” can disarm
a social bully or possibly open a door for a more in-depth conversation. Or try
the following approach when you’re one-on-one with this person: When
you ____________, I feel, ____________________, Because,
__________________________________________________________________. There is also the chance that
the person may discount you totally and want to fight. It’s been my experience that logic and
reasoning are not core skills of the chronically toxic. Should you find yourself in this situation, abruptly
ending the exchange and vacating the conversion is likely your greatest plan of
action. Truly toxic people will pollute
everyone around them, including you if you allow them. Don’t hesitate to
vacate their space and confidently walk away, knowing that fighting with a toxic
person is a giant waste of your time.
6) Commit
to not let ANYONE steal your joy- When your sense of contentment and life
satisfaction are based on the opinions of others, you are no longer the master
of your own happiness. When an
emotionally intelligent person feels good about an accomplishment or
themselves, they are able to put the criticism and negative remarks of others into
perspective. Although it’s impossible to
turn off our reactions completely, you can choose to stop comparing yourself with
others and take criticisms with a grain of salt, knowing that your self-worth
comes from within.
7) Rise above and set yourself apart- Quit trying
to change them or outsmart them or beat them at their own game. You won’t win. Distance yourself emotionally. Approach your interactions like a special
project or an experiment. Remember that
it’s not necessary to respond to their drama and chaos. You can keep your responses and interactions
based on fact.
8) Establish boundaries- Once you rise above a person’s behaviors, the
next step is creating healthy boundaries.
This is a critical piece of the puzzle when dealing with toxic family
members or co-workers. Many people put
up with constant negativity because they feel helpless and feel as if they have
no control to change their surroundings.
Maybe the person you’re dealing with will never change, as you cannot
control the personal growth of another.
You can, however, change the way they treat you and your interactions
with them. Start paying attention and you’ll
notice that you can predict and understand their triggers, in turn allowing you
to consciously and proactively set boundaries.
And now you may be wondering, what do healthy boundaries
look like with problematic people and how do I go about setting them? My next blog will be on boundaries and how to
build and preserve them.
